Brooklyn Sleights

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Archive for March 2009

Bear Grylls Traps, Devours Survivorman’s Les Stroud

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(Van Vieng, Laos) Bear Grylls, chiseled host of The Discovery Channel’s hit survival show Man vs. Wild, trapped and subsequently devoured Les Stroud, the whiny host of the Discovery Channel’s lower-rated, slower-paced survival show Survivorman.  While in Laos filming an episode for Season 3 of Man vs. Wild, Grylls was alerted by indigenous hunters that Stroud was filming in the same area.

A stoic, determined Grylls- minutes before bagging the whiny, insufferable Stroud in a deadly punji pit

A stoic, determined Grylls, minutes before bagging the whiny, insufferable Stroud in a deadly punji pit

 Wasting no time, Grylls soon fashioned a Viet Cong-inspired punji pit out of sharpened bamboo shoots, which he then smeared with his own feces.  In a perfectly executed example of what Grylls dubs “opportunistic hunting,” Grylls found Stroud the next morning at the bottom of the punji pit, impaled through the chest and thigh, desperately clinging to life.  Turning to face the camera, Grylls explained to viewers it was verrrrry important to keep Stroud alive just long enough to build a fire, so as to keep Stroud’s flesh fresh- thus preventing the growth of harmful bacteria and discouraging the attraction of flies.  

The last known photo of Stroud- looking whiny, annoying, and boring.

The last known photo of Stroud- looking whiny, annoying, and boring.

Grylls then proceed to roast Stroud’s eviscerated body over a fire started from mere tinder and a piece of flint, and exclaimed: “[B]oy, this is going to taste just awwwful, but I haven’t eaten in days and I really need the crucial vit-a-mins and nourishment to keep going; here we go, woooooo!” before biting into a crispy piece of Stroud’s hindquarters.  Whilst picking his teeth with Stroud’s sternum, Grylls then thoughtfully addressed his detractors, asking “[H]ow ‘fake’ is this, mother[expletive]s?”

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Written by Matt

March 23, 2009 at 12:49 am

Posted in Uncategorized