3 Tri-City ValleyKitties, 1 Portland Sea Puppy Named In League-wide Steroid, Cheating Probe
(St. Petersburg, FL) The Portland Sea Puppies, a miniature league [canine] baseball team, accused three players on another mini league [feline] baseball team, the Tri-City ValleyKitties, and the team itself, of systematic and widespread cheating, officials at Miniature League Baseball (“MiniLB”) reported Monday. According to the Sea Doggies’ official complaint filed Friday afternoon at the league’s central office, various ValleyKitties players allegedly, over the course of the past few seasons: openly used illegal performance-enhancing substances (including catnip, amphetamines commonly called “feline greenies,” and feline growth hormone), knowingly committed repeated uniform violations with the intent to distract the opposing team, illegally doctored game balls with foreign substances such as kitty drool and spray, and caused undue game delays on multiple occasions by climbing nearby trees in lieu of facing the Sea Doggies’ intimidating, hard-throwing closer, Spike.
The Sea Puppies’ complaint specifically names Felix, a ValleyKitties long reliever, as one of the most flagrant abusers of feline greenies and catnip in the league.
A seasoned veteran with over two years of experience, Felix is known throughout the league for his high-octane energy level and bizarre on-field antics- such as winking at base runners while in the stretch, and wearing his cat pajamas from the bullpen to the mound in a confident display of self-assuredness bordering on utter hubris. According to the complaint, however, Felix’s hyper, often brazen behavior is actually the result of his potent pre-game cocktails of feline greenies and catnip, both banned substances under the MiniLB Substance Abuse Program. Although MiniLB- under Congressional pressure in the wake of a Cat Fancy magazine exposé- cracked down last season on anabolic feline steroid use with more stringent testing, amphetamine and catnip use has remained rampant and undeterred. In fact, not uncommon for team clubhouses to feature two separate drinking bowls- one regular water bowl (labeled “unleaded”), with the other spiked with greenies and catnip (labeled “leaded”).
Also named in the complaint is longtime ValleyKitties catcher, Oscar. Oscar is alleged to have, on numerous occasions, materially breached numerous league uniform & equipment codes by donning extravagant, bizarre, and brightly-colored batting helmets with the intent to distract opposing pitchers. The ValleyKitties, whose team colors are forest green and gray, issue both black (home) and dark green (away) batting helmets to its players. According to sources close to the team, Oscar frequently goes to bat wearing a huge, round, bright green helmet- one reminiscent of an ancient Roman gladiator. His ploy apparently works: in 2007, Oscar set a club record for bases-on-balls with 47, only to break his own record the next season by walking a career-high 52 times. Opposing pitchers frequently complained to umpires about Oscar’s unusual choice in head protection, though their arguments that Oscar’s helmet posed an undue distraction and was illegal under league rules (which forbid alterations, earflaps, and decals) were ultimately unsucessful.
Although the spitball has long been glorified in baseball folklore as a dishonest, albeit irresistibly endearing part of the game, its use has recently come under fire after ValleyKitties pitcher, Socks, was ejected this past season from a home game against the Buffalo Field Mice for illegal use of a foreign substance ( a.k.a. “doctoring the ball”). Field Mice manager Ralph S. Mouse, suspicious of Socks’ repeated paw-to-mouth motions and unnerved by his player’s reports that Socks’ pitches were “dancing,” asked home plate umpire Brad Slint to inspect Socks’ body and equipment. Slint complied, indeed finding a “[m]ixture of kitty drool and vaseline in the pocket of [Socks’] glove.” Socks was ejected from the game, and was later fined three yummy kitty treats by the league for his actions.
Upon receiving notice of the incendiary complaint filed against their players, the ValleyKitties counterclaimed almost immediately, alleging “[o]pen, notorious, sustained and downright criminal canine growth hormone and steroid abuse” on the part of the Sea Puppies’ All-Star closer, Spike, a 4 year-old black whippet.
“I mean look at the [expletive] freakshow,” pleaded ValleyKitty general manager Stan Geits, “[Spike] ain’t no brick shithouse, [he’s] just the end result of a signing bonus’ worth of testicle-shriveling steroids shot in his ass, probably by one of his leg-humping, crotch-loving gym buddies.” Spike refused to address the specific allegations levied against him, stating only that “[e]verything you see is natural, bitches,” smiling as he posed for pictures with a group of adoring female dogs. As for his supposed “shriveled” testicles, Spike offered his best guess: “[S]hit, last I saw, they were in Oscar’s wife’s mouth.. right before I ate her hussy ass for dinner. You can PRINT that.”
The MiniLB, reached at the league’s central office in St. Petersburg, Florida, stated only that the week-old investigation is ongoing, declining further comment. In the meantime, the age-old “dogs v. cats” debate- rekindled almost overnight by the recent controversy- has exhibited unprecedented fervor, and promises to provide provocative fodder for sports bloggers, dog lovers, and cat ladies alike in the weeks to come.