Hicks St. ginkgo tree thinks its shit-scented seed pods don’t stink, says Pierrepont St. sycamore tree
(Brooklyn Heights, NY) A Pierrepont St. sycamore tree called out a Hicks St. ginkgo tree Monday, alleging that the ginkgo tree thinks its fecal-scented seed pods, which it excretes all over the surrounding cars and sidewalk every autumn, don’t stink, sources say. The outburst came at the heels of a particularly still, warm, odoriferous afternoon. “Seriously, that asshole just tosses its plethora of little shit berries all over the damn place with reckless abandon, so then when people walk over them and smush them, the neighborhood is inundated with the sweet smell of partially digested human waste product,” raged the sycamore tree. “What, she thinks her shitty berries smell like lilac?”
A [gag?] gift from Japan back in the 70’s, the ginkgo trees scattered throughout Brooklyn Heights are notorious for their ability to thrive in polluted urban environments. Every fall, the gingko produces a large number of fruit-like, yellow seeds which it then craps out all over the sidewalk and cars below. The seeds contain butanoic acid, giving them their characteristic scent which has been compared to that of rancid butter or human feces. For this reason, in Japan only the male tree is planted along streets, with the female trees relegated to the garden.
When informed of the sycamore tree’s comments, the mostly indifferent ginko tree merely shrugged it’s upper branches. “Puh-lease,” the gingko pleaded, “[c]onsider your source. That Sycamore hasn’t been pollinated in years, probably because he always wears that white trashy camo-bark. Like where did he get that, Hot Topic? He’s just jealous that I’m getting all the action- I even had an Asian threesome last week!” The gingko tree was likely referring to last Thursday evening, when after a particularly windy rainstorm, an elderly couple of asian descent were seen gathering loose ginkgo seeds for culinary uses (the nutty gingko seeds are added to congee, an asian rice porridge). On the seed collectors, the gingko tree opined, “[t]hey LOVE that shit!”
The animosity between the two trees is not likely to subside anytime soon. When asked if the two trees might ever set aside their differences, the sycamore tree scoffed and said, “[t]hat miserable piece of shit, literally, shit, ‘aint worth my time. You can write that shit down.” In a similar vein, the gingko tree responded, “umm, no, actually I hope that miserable softwood contracts Plane Anthracnose Disease and defoliates himself.”