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Archive for February 2009

Editorial: I’d Like to See Someone Try To Design a More Inane Law School Building. Srsly.

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image032  By Jerome Prince, Dean, Brooklyn Law School (1945-1971)

          It has recently come to my attention that a lot of new age architects, trustees, and law school deans out there have been talking a lot of shit.  According to my younger, blog-reading friend Benjamin, these aforementioned assholes are all over the internets boasting possession of law school blueprints alleged to be more puzzling, inane, and myopic than the epic shitshow that I helped design- the one that currently stands at 250 Joralemon Street in Brooklyn, NY: Brooklyn Law School (BLS).  Upon hearing of such simpleton drivel, I instinctively spewed my anemic, translucent, school cafeteria-brewed coffee all over my expensive mahogany desk and decided that I just would not stand idly by while my beloved institution of higher learning yet again played the part of butt to the legal community’s joke .  Consider this an unequivocal solicitation to any clown out there who thinks he can build a law school building as ironically devoid of all reason and logic as BLS; what you got?  Ha, I’ll tell you.  You. Aint. Got. Shit.

Perhaps it is best to tell the tale of BLS’ maddeningly foolhardy design against the backdrop of its fruition.  I know a whole lot of you were history majors at university, so how about one last history lesson for all y’all?  Picture yourself in my spacious, lush, deanish office in 1968, in the company of esteemed Trustee Board President Henry L. Ughetta, architect Harvey P. Whipplestein, and yours truly.  

My inspiration: Albany's St. Peter's Basilica

My inspiration: Albany's St. Peter's Basilica

The enviable task of designing what would become the BLS of the future had fallen upon our broad, chiseled shoulders, and we have convened to articulate a shared vision.  My tongue and lips gracefully begin their hypnotizing dance of annunciation, and my words soon loom prophetic:  

— At the foundation of my vision lay a clusterfuck of angry students- in the lobby, ten minutes before every major lecture class, stampeding each other in pursuit of the one available elevator.  There will be four elevators, of course, that’s the beauty of it, but for absolutely no good reason, only two will be in operation at peak times.  Where are the other two elevators, you ask?  Why, sitting ever so stubbornly on the 6th and 9th floors of course!  Please, cease your hand wringing at once!  For the witching hour is upon us, my friends, and so when the Borough Hall clock tower strikes midnight, all four elevators will be found standing wide open in the lobby, at your service.  

Now, the 40-50 unlucky students who aren’t agile enough to catch a fleeting elevator, or who lack the social connectivity needed to compel an acquaintance to hit the “door open” button, will be forced to climb six flights of stairs, all whilst lugging 40+ pounds of absurdly expensive textbooks.  The scene will be reminiscent of that part in White Fang where an exhausted but determined line of prospectors trudge slowly up the side of the mountain on a stairway carved out of ice, steadfastly pursuing their dreams in the face of harsh conditions and an astronomically miniscule likelihood of career success.  Yet the students will trudge onward and upward to the heavens where boredom, debt, and gchat await!

Some will not make it- no, some will perish along the way to 6th floor property or con law, collapsing in exhaustion as the students behind him finish him off with an Ugg-to-the-throat.  Still others break camp for the winter and attempt the rest of the climb under fairer conditions, and a few will even turn to Donner party cannibalism after finding the 4th floor cafeteria closed for a “special event.”  Those who do survive the grueling ascent to class may wish to quench their hypoxic thirst with a drink from the cool, refreshing waters of a drinking fountain.  But alas, not on Jerome Prince’s watch!  You see, each and every water fountain on every single floor shall dispense only the most tepid water known to man; water so lukewarm and infused with air bubbles it takes on the appearance and quality of diluted skim milk, and tastes of metals and other exotic elements from aaaaall over the world.  Should the student instead venture to the bathroom to relieve himself after his journey from base camp, he will be lucky to find dividers between the urinals or urinal cakes within them.  I pity the poor soul who finds it necessary to visit a bathroom stall; if he can even lock the door, he will soon find his unmentionable antics on display to any passersby through the 3-inch gap in the doorjamb.

If the student manages to overcome his fear of essentially doing his business in public, he will continue on to class, and find himself a seat in his visiting professor’s class.  

My boys breaking ground, looking fine

My boys breaking ground, looking fine

The chair upon which he is seated inexplicably hinges backward, under even the slightest pressure, halfway down his back.  This lack of any lumbar support will lead to pinched nerves and herniated disks, ensuring years of physical pain to accompany the mental anguish of massive debt and inability to purchase adequate medical insurance.  His visiting professor, due to his inability to structure a lecture, will breach the school’s policy of providing a ten-minute break in the middle of a two-hour class, which will lead to a rash of bladder infections and hypoglycemic seizures.  If he makes a brazen break for it, he very well may stumble down the awkwardly-spaced classroom steps and faceplant in front of the entire class.  Just desserts, if you ask me!

After class, the Goofus law student will head to the student lounge for some rest and relaxation, so long as his visit doesn’t fall within the 2-hour time period when a student would want to use it most: a reasonable man’s lunchtime.  You see, at my poorly designed law school, we will routinely hold guest lecture events and sparsely-attended luncheons during the only time a student is likely to desire a student lounge, and we will have our guards/bulldogs “clear the room” 30 minutes prior to such events.  Though these events will be open to all members of the school community, the room must be cleared.  Get the fuck out!

The Gallant law student, on the other hand, will continue straight on to the library.  He might pause momentarily at the high school-esque glass encased bulletin board, to see if he made moot court- after a mandatory tryout- or if he has been relegated once again to the chorus;  this information won’t be transmitted via electronic mail to him, as with all other school-related correspondence, it will be posted on a single piece of paper in the lobby at an unannounced time.  

It's REALLY fun to piss away your endowment on marble!

It's REALLY fun to piss away your endowment on 1950's international power style marble!

After turning sideways to pass through the construction-narrowed library doorway, the student will walk past the student librarians doing their homework, past the sullen WestLaw table lady, and into the library stairwell.  Here he will make an important decision: descend into the fluorescent bowels of the basement- awash with study rooms full of stagnant air and despair- or continue upward to the 2nd floor reading rooms full of backed-up-sewage air saturated with SARS, and crawling with coughing/hacking students, loud cell phone conversations, and stacks and stacks of ancient law reporters, long fallen into disuse.  In fact, the seldom used reporters will take up the majority of the library’s precious floor space, and will play an integral role in the chronic shortage of seats during finals time.  Sure, we could move some of those stacks and stacks of dust-covered ancient texts to the archives, but what would we tell the obscure researcher!  Besides, the FDNY won’t let us cram any more students in anyways because we only have one, frighteningly narrow means of egress.– 

Egads, I’ve done it again!  I’ve gone and downed one too many glasses of port and rambled the afternoon away, my friends.  By now, however, my design genius should be readily apparent.  If there remains a trustee, dean, architect or mouth breather out there who thinks he/she can design a more ass-backwards law school, why don’t you put your money where your slack-jawed mouth is before I go ‘an find something more appealin’ to put in there.  PEACE.

Faithfully Yours,

Dean Formerly Known As Jerome Prince (1945-1971, bitches)

Written by Matt

February 18, 2009 at 11:44 pm

Posted in Uncategorized

3 Tri-City ValleyKitties, 1 Portland Sea Puppy Named In League-wide Steroid, Cheating Probe

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(St. Petersburg, FL) The Portland Sea Puppies, a miniature league [canine] baseball team, accused three players on another mini league [feline] baseball team, the Tri-City ValleyKitties, and the team itself, of systematic and widespread cheating, officials at Miniature League Baseball (“MiniLB”) reported Monday.  According to the Sea Doggies’ official complaint filed Friday afternoon at the league’s central office, various ValleyKitties players allegedly, over the course of the past few seasons: openly used illegal performance-enhancing substances (including catnip, amphetamines commonly called “feline greenies,” and feline growth hormone), knowingly committed repeated uniform violations with the intent to distract the opposing team, illegally doctored game balls with foreign substances such as kitty drool and spray, and caused undue game delays on multiple occasions by climbing nearby trees in lieu of facing the Sea Doggies’ intimidating, hard-throwing closer, Spike.

          The Sea Puppies’ complaint specifically names Felix, a ValleyKitties long reliever, as one of the most flagrant abusers of feline greenies and catnip in the league.

Felix Cat is accused of abusing catnip and feline greenies to get amped up for his late innings appearances

Tri-City's Felix is accused of abusing catnip and feline greenies to get amped up for his late-innings appearances

  A seasoned veteran with over two years of experience, Felix is known throughout the league for his high-octane energy level and bizarre on-field antics- such as winking at base runners while in the stretch, and wearing his cat pajamas from the bullpen to the mound in a confident display of self-assuredness bordering on utter hubris.  According to the complaint, however, Felix’s hyper, often brazen behavior is actually the result of his potent pre-game cocktails of feline greenies and catnip, both banned substances under the MiniLB Substance Abuse Program.  Although MiniLB- under Congressional pressure in the wake of a Cat Fancy magazine exposé- cracked down last season on anabolic feline steroid use with more stringent testing, amphetamine and catnip use has remained rampant and undeterred.  In fact, not uncommon for team clubhouses to feature two separate drinking bowls- one regular water bowl (labeled “unleaded”), with the other spiked with greenies and catnip (labeled “leaded”).  

 

Feline amphetamine use is not prohibited by the current MiniLB/Players union collective bargaining agreement

Feline amphetamine use is not prohibited by the current MiniLB/Players union collective bargaining agreement

          Also named in the complaint is longtime ValleyKitties catcher, Oscar.  Oscar is alleged to have, on numerous occasions, materially breached numerous league uniform & equipment codes by donning extravagant, bizarre, and brightly-colored batting helmets with the intent to distract opposing pitchers.  The ValleyKitties, whose team colors are forest green and gray, issue both black (home) and dark green (away) batting helmets to its players.  According to sources close to the team, Oscar frequently goes to bat wearing a huge, round, bright green helmet- one reminiscent of an ancient Roman gladiator.  His ploy apparently works: in 2007, Oscar set a club record for bases-on-balls with 47, only to break his own record the next season by walking a career-high 52 times.  Opposing pitchers frequently complained to umpires about Oscar’s unusual choice in head protection, though their arguments that Oscar’s helmet posed an undue distraction and was illegal under league rules (which forbid alterations, earflaps, and decals) were ultimately unsucessful.  

Felix, Tri-City's four-time gold glove winning catcher, seen here wearing his controversial, allegedly illegal batting helmetFelix, Tri-City’s four-time gold glove winning catcher, seen here wearing his controversial, allegedly illegal batting helmet

          Although the spitball has long been glorified in baseball folklore as a dishonest, albeit irresistibly endearing part of the game, its use has recently come under fire after ValleyKitties pitcher, Socks, was ejected this past season from a home game against the Buffalo Field Mice for illegal use of a foreign substance ( a.k.a. “doctoring the ball”).  Field Mice manager Ralph S. Mouse, suspicious of Socks’ repeated paw-to-mouth motions and unnerved by his player’s reports that Socks’ pitches were “dancing,” asked home plate umpire Brad Slint to inspect Socks’ body and equipment.   Slint complied, indeed finding a “[m]ixture of kitty drool and vaseline in the pocket of [Socks’] glove.”  Socks was ejected from the game, and was later fined three yummy kitty treats by the league for his actions.  

ValleyKitties pitcher Socks is accused of throwing frequent spitballs

ValleyKitties pitcher Socks is accused of throwing frequent spitballs

When confronted by the press corps after the game, Socks claimed that he has to lick his paws often to maintain a grip on the ball and to keep his paws clean, because “[u]nlike dogs, who are really just criminally stupid and dirty, [Socks] neither enjoys the filthy aspect of the game nor rolling in [his own] shit.”  Sea Puppies outfielder Bucky, annoyed by Socks’ post-game comments, dryly retorted, “[h]ey man, at least dog pitchers don’t defile the game balls with their disgusting, concentrated urine and ‘spray,’ which, by the way, is really just a kind word for viscous, foul smelling, fatty lipid secretions.”  The Sea Puppies front office dismissed the league’s characterization of Socks’ spitball ejection as an isolated incident, instead describing him in their complaint as a “[s]erial spitballer who, since he can’t crack 8 [mph] on the [radar] gun, is not ashamed to compromise the integrity of the game in order to throw his ‘junk.'”

 

 

                Upon receiving notice of the incendiary complaint filed against their players, the ValleyKitties counterclaimed almost immediately, alleging “[o]pen, notorious, sustained and downright criminal canine growth hormone and steroid abuse” on the part of the Sea Puppies’ All-Star closer, Spike, a 4 year-old black whippet.

 

Spike, the Sea Puppies' dominating closer, has found himself at the center of a raging steroid scandal

Spike, Portland's dominating closer, has suddenly found himself in the crosshairs of a highly publicized steroid probe

 “I mean look at the [expletive] freakshow,” pleaded ValleyKitty general manager Stan Geits, “[Spike] ain’t no brick shithouse, [he’s] just the end result of a signing bonus’ worth of testicle-shriveling steroids shot in his ass, probably by one of his leg-humping, crotch-loving gym buddies.”  Spike refused to address the specific allegations levied against him, stating only that “[e]verything you see is natural, bitches,” smiling as he posed for pictures with a group of adoring female dogs.  As for his supposed “shriveled” testicles, Spike offered his best guess: “[S]hit, last I saw, they were in Oscar’s wife’s mouth.. right before I ate her hussy ass for dinner.  You can PRINT that.”

 

           The MiniLB, reached at the league’s central office in St. Petersburg, Florida, stated only that the week-old investigation is ongoing, declining further comment.  In the meantime, the age-old “dogs v. cats” debate- rekindled almost overnight by the recent controversy- has exhibited unprecedented fervor, and promises to provide provocative fodder for sports bloggers, dog lovers, and cat ladies alike in the weeks to come.

 

Former ValleyKitties behemoth first baseman, Ralphie, will not escape MiniLB's steroid probe merely because he's retired, league sources say

Ralphie, a behemoth former ValleyKitty first baseman, will not escape MiniLB's steroid probe merely because he's retired, league sources say

Written by Matt

February 4, 2009 at 1:42 am

Posted in Uncategorized