Archive for November 2008
(Hudson, NY) 25-year-old Michael Landi of Hudson has been misdiagnosed with Bipolar Disorder Type I since the age of 8, claims area psychiatrist Dr. Herb Allen. “After performing a thorough clinical assessment, I am certain that Michael is instead exhibiting symptoms of classic Hulkamania, which makes perfect sense considering my patient’s demographics and family history,” explained Allen, “He’s simply been misdiagnosed all these years.”
Brought in for an assessment at his family’s urging, Michael Allen’s first clue, he reports, was Michael’s particularly high global level of functioning. Allen attributes this to Michael’s unusually strict daily regimen of saying his prayers, drinking copious amounts of milk, and religiously taking his vitamins; practices not typically characteristic of a person experiencing rapid, unstable shifts in mood. “And Michael’s MMPI [Minnesota Multiphasic Personality Inventory] analysis showed alarmingly high scores on the ‘hypomania’ and ‘hysteria’ scales, which are consistent with textbook Hulkamania,” continued Allen. Such scores typically translate to rapid and nonsensical speech, delusions of grandeur, and claims of immortality.
Michael’s mother clearly remembers when she first started noticing his bizarre behavior: “Since the 4th grade, he was very anti-authority. We couldn’t keep him dressed; he’d rip a brand new shirt right off himself,” said Annette Landi. “He referred to himself in the third person, and called started calling everyone ‘brother.’ We thought that meant that maybe he wanted a little brother to play with, so we got him a dog. He would let the poor puppy run into his extended boot, and he’d carry on about how the cute little thing couldn’t ‘lace the Junkyard Dog’s boots,’ it was just awful.”
Michael was soon diagnosed with Bipolar Disorder Type I, and prescribed lithium to stabilize his mood swings. The medication had little effect; instead it seemed to increase Michael’s outbursts. During the 7th grade, he would regularly feud with the Iranian exchange student, one time even attempting to wrap his ’24-inch pythons’ around his ‘Iron Sheik” neck. As a result, Michael was expelled from school, an occurrence that would plague him throughout his adolescence.
After years of ups and downs, six different schools, and an undeterminable amount of babysitters, things hit rock bottom for Landi shortly after his 24th birthday. Years of futile psychotherapy and failed attempts at medicinal treatment wore down Michael’s will, and he slipped into a debilitating depressive episode. Admitted to the Anaheim County Psychiatric Center for a last-resort bout of controversial electro-convulsive therapy, Michael grew belligerent and assaulted hospital staff. “He was extremely combative and hard to subdue; when we tried to use our stun batons on him, he started vigorously shaking his head, blowing out his cheeks and wagging his finger, then slowly rose to his feet and just let loose,” reported hospital orderly Jose Santos. “I’ve never seen anything like it; it was like he was channeling a supernatural force or something.”
Desperate, Michael’s mother turned to the Internet. After visiting a few supportive online forums and message boards for mothers with bipolar children, she came across a recommendation of Dr. Herb Allen, a local psychiatrist who specialized in rare mood disorders. Figuring she had nothing to lose, Annette lured Michael to Allen’s office under the guise of buying him a new yellow and red bandana, a staple of Michael’s wardrobe. Though initially angered after realizing the deception, Michael quickly and unexpectedly established a good rapport with Allen. After a few intensive therapy sessions, Allen had Michael weaned off of the psychotropic medication Depakote. For the first time, Michael began to speak openly about his conflicting desires of being a good American patriot, and wanting to just run wild over anyone who got in his way.
Allen thinks such progress indicates that Michael has turned the corner in his Hulkamania treatment. “I’m confident that regular psychotherapy, coupled with a gradual reworking of Michael’s abnormal thought processes will nip his Hulkamania right in the bud once and for all” declared Allen. As part of the treatment plan, Allen also referred Michael to an area dermatologist for treatment of his greasy, orange-hued skin condition.
Azula immediately filed an answer denying Russo’s allegations and contending that, 1) Russo never registered his hairstyle with the U.S. Copyright office as a prerequisite to an infringement suit, as required by 17 U.S.C. §411(a), 2) Russo’s mulletish hairstyle is not fixed in a tangible medium of expression as required by §102(a) of the Copyright Act, and finally that 3) Azula’s hairstyle is “[j]ust far less lame-ass.” Additionally, Azula suggests that Russo “[c]oncentrate on his [expletive] musical ‘career’ and focus his energy toward figuring out why his wife left him, although [Azula] could make a few educated guesses if he wants somewhere to start.”
Reached for comment, Joey Lawrence, who ironically is now completely bald, stated, “I’m not gonna say it, man, you can just leave right now . . . no, seriously, get the [expletive] out of here . . . FINE, JESUS CHRIST . . . WHOA!”
(Right hand of the Father, Heaven) Jesus Christ, the “only Son of God,” is expected to opt out of his infinite-year multi-gazillion-dollar contract with mankind after this year, sources close to Christ reported Monday. Super Agent Scott Boras, who boasts Christ as his client as well as millionaire professional baseball superstars Alex Rodriguez and Carlos Beltran, claims that Christ, as a result of dwindling church attendance numbers, “just doesn’t feel appreciated anymore here on Earth.” If Christ does indeed exercise the opt-out clause included in the infinite-year contract that he signed after his resurrection in 29 AD, he would be considered an unrestricted free agent. Interested suitors include the speculative Extremophiles of Mars, and the theoretical fauna of extrasolar planet Gliese 581 c.
(Red Hook, Brooklyn) Area systems analyst Rob Cullen was ‘totally embarrassed’ yesterday, after a chance encounter with attractive acquaintance, Angela Curro, led to a botched casual greeting. Cullen and Curro, who work in the same building, frequently converge on the coffee kiosk in the lobby at roughly the same time each morning. Though they have never actually held a true conversation, they occasionally engage in superficial light banter for 5-8 seconds.
Curro, standing at the rear of the line, noticed Cullen leaving with his coffee. She cheerfully inquired: “Hey Rob, what’s up?” to which Cullen nervously replied: ‘Pretty well, how are you?’’ Immediately recognizing his verbal gaffe, Cullen hastily attempted to apologize, his stammering explanation only serving to drown out her response to the question he had accidentally just posed. The couple then awkwardly parted ways, leaving Cullen almost certain that Curro “probably thinks he’s a tool.”
Hicks St. ginkgo tree thinks its shit-scented seed pods don’t stink, says Pierrepont St. sycamore tree
(Brooklyn Heights, NY) A Pierrepont St. sycamore tree called out a Hicks St. ginkgo tree Monday, alleging that the ginkgo tree thinks its fecal-scented seed pods, which it excretes all over the surrounding cars and sidewalk every autumn, don’t stink, sources say. The outburst came at the heels of a particularly still, warm, odoriferous afternoon. “Seriously, that asshole just tosses its plethora of little shit berries all over the damn place with reckless abandon, so then when people walk over them and smush them, the neighborhood is inundated with the sweet smell of partially digested human waste product,” raged the sycamore tree. “What, she thinks her shitty berries smell like lilac?”
A [gag?] gift from Japan back in the 70’s, the ginkgo trees scattered throughout Brooklyn Heights are notorious for their ability to thrive in polluted urban environments. Every fall, the gingko produces a large number of fruit-like, yellow seeds which it then craps out all over the sidewalk and cars below. The seeds contain butanoic acid, giving them their characteristic scent which has been compared to that of rancid butter or human feces. For this reason, in Japan only the male tree is planted along streets, with the female trees relegated to the garden.
When informed of the sycamore tree’s comments, the mostly indifferent ginko tree merely shrugged it’s upper branches. “Puh-lease,” the gingko pleaded, “[c]onsider your source. That Sycamore hasn’t been pollinated in years, probably because he always wears that white trashy camo-bark. Like where did he get that, Hot Topic? He’s just jealous that I’m getting all the action- I even had an Asian threesome last week!” The gingko tree was likely referring to last Thursday evening, when after a particularly windy rainstorm, an elderly couple of asian descent were seen gathering loose ginkgo seeds for culinary uses (the nutty gingko seeds are added to congee, an asian rice porridge). On the seed collectors, the gingko tree opined, “[t]hey LOVE that shit!”
The animosity between the two trees is not likely to subside anytime soon. When asked if the two trees might ever set aside their differences, the sycamore tree scoffed and said, “[t]hat miserable piece of shit, literally, shit, ‘aint worth my time. You can write that shit down.” In a similar vein, the gingko tree responded, “umm, no, actually I hope that miserable softwood contracts Plane Anthracnose Disease and defoliates himself.”
(Brooklyn Heights, NY) Homer the Honker, a longtime cast member on the Muppet Show, ran up a hefty $6,250 tab in honking fees during his recent visit to Brooklyn Heights to film Letters to Santa- a Muppet Christmas special- local police spokesman Lou Henderson reported. In what would constitute blatant disregard of the city’s stringent no-honking policy, Honker allegedly honked “at least 50 times” according to Henderson, “[m]aybe even more; the violations we cited were limited to only those which occurred on-set,” he continued. The city enacted its moratorium on honking in 1986, in an effort to curb noise pollution, though city residents have sometimes wondered if the ordinance had ever been enforced.
Reached at his home in Los Angeles for cmment, Honker defended his actions and accused the “predominantly human” NYPD of unfairly targeting [Muppet] honkers. “Honk! Honk, honk, honk. Honk! [sic]” seethed Honker, emphatically squeezing his nose with each utterance.
In a statement released Friday, Muppet Show spokesfrog Kermit [the Frog] lashed out at the police force: “We are both shocked and furious with the NYPD’s utterly discriminatory actions, which are especially surprising in light of the publicity and lucrative tourism upswing the city enjoyed following the overwhelming success of our second feature-length film, The Muppets Take Manhattan.” Muppet Show general counsel Sam the Eagle called the slurry of fines “ridiculous. Absolute hogwash” (much to Miss Piggy’ chagrin), pointing to Section 24-221(a) of the city code, which bans a “‘claxon’ from being sounded ‘except as a sound signal of imminent danger.'” “No reasonable Muppet or human would consider Mr. Honker’s nose to constitute a ‘claxon’ as defined by the city’s statute,” Eagle explained. “It is neither an ‘electromechanical horn nor alerting device,” Eagle continued, referring to the code’s definition of claxon, “Mr. Honker’s nose is clearly outside the scope of the statute, and the NYPD damn well knows that.”
The Muppet Show plans to issue a notice within the next two weeks requesting all Muppet honkers cited by the city for honking within the past 36 months to contact its legal department for inclusion in an imminent class action lawsuit. Beaker, the Muppet Show‘s public information officer, could be reached but not comprehended for comment.