(Right hand of the Father, Heaven) Jesus Christ, the “only Son of God,” is expected to opt out of his infinite-year multi-gazillion-dollar contract with mankind after this year, sources close to Christ reported Monday. Super Agent Scott Boras, who boasts Christ as his client as well as millionaire professional baseball superstars Alex Rodriguez and Carlos Beltran, claims that Christ, as a result of dwindling church attendance numbers, “just doesn’t feel appreciated anymore here on Earth.” If Christ does indeed exercise the opt-out clause included in the infinite-year contract that he signed after his resurrection in 29 AD, he would be considered an unrestricted free agent. Interested suitors include the speculative Extremophiles of Mars, and the theoretical fauna of extrasolar planet Gliese 581 c.
(Red Hook, Brooklyn) Area systems analyst Rob Cullen was ‘totally embarrassed’ yesterday, after a chance encounter with attractive acquaintance, Angela Curro, led to a botched casual greeting. Cullen and Curro, who work in the same building, frequently converge on the coffee kiosk in the lobby at roughly the same time each morning. Though they have never actually held a true conversation, they occasionally engage in superficial light banter for 5-8 seconds.
Curro, standing at the rear of the line, noticed Cullen leaving with his coffee. She cheerfully inquired: “Hey Rob, what’s up?” to which Cullen nervously replied: ‘Pretty well, how are you?’’ Immediately recognizing his verbal gaffe, Cullen hastily attempted to apologize, his stammering explanation only serving to drown out her response to the question he had accidentally just posed. The couple then awkwardly parted ways, leaving Cullen almost certain that Curro “probably thinks he’s a tool.”
Hicks St. ginkgo tree thinks its shit-scented seed pods don’t stink, says Pierrepont St. sycamore tree
(Brooklyn Heights, NY) A Pierrepont St. sycamore tree called out a Hicks St. ginkgo tree Monday, alleging that the ginkgo tree thinks its fecal-scented seed pods, which it excretes all over the surrounding cars and sidewalk every autumn, don’t stink, sources say. The outburst came at the heels of a particularly still, warm, odoriferous afternoon. “Seriously, that asshole just tosses its plethora of little shit berries all over the damn place with reckless abandon, so then when people walk over them and smush them, the neighborhood is inundated with the sweet smell of partially digested human waste product,” raged the sycamore tree. “What, she thinks her shitty berries smell like lilac?”
A [gag?] gift from Japan back in the 70’s, the ginkgo trees scattered throughout Brooklyn Heights are notorious for their ability to thrive in polluted urban environments. Every fall, the gingko produces a large number of fruit-like, yellow seeds which it then craps out all over the sidewalk and cars below. The seeds contain butanoic acid, giving them their characteristic scent which has been compared to that of rancid butter or human feces. For this reason, in Japan only the male tree is planted along streets, with the female trees relegated to the garden.
When informed of the sycamore tree’s comments, the mostly indifferent ginko tree merely shrugged it’s upper branches. “Puh-lease,” the gingko pleaded, “[c]onsider your source. That Sycamore hasn’t been pollinated in years, probably because he always wears that white trashy camo-bark. Like where did he get that, Hot Topic? He’s just jealous that I’m getting all the action- I even had an Asian threesome last week!” The gingko tree was likely referring to last Thursday evening, when after a particularly windy rainstorm, an elderly couple of asian descent were seen gathering loose ginkgo seeds for culinary uses (the nutty gingko seeds are added to congee, an asian rice porridge). On the seed collectors, the gingko tree opined, “[t]hey LOVE that shit!”
The animosity between the two trees is not likely to subside anytime soon. When asked if the two trees might ever set aside their differences, the sycamore tree scoffed and said, “[t]hat miserable piece of shit, literally, shit, ‘aint worth my time. You can write that shit down.” In a similar vein, the gingko tree responded, “umm, no, actually I hope that miserable softwood contracts Plane Anthracnose Disease and defoliates himself.”
(Brooklyn Heights, NY) Homer the Honker, a longtime cast member on the Muppet Show, ran up a hefty $6,250 tab in honking fees during his recent visit to Brooklyn Heights to film Letters to Santa- a Muppet Christmas special- local police spokesman Lou Henderson reported. In what would constitute blatant disregard of the city’s stringent no-honking policy, Honker allegedly honked “at least 50 times” according to Henderson, “[m]aybe even more; the violations we cited were limited to only those which occurred on-set,” he continued. The city enacted its moratorium on honking in 1986, in an effort to curb noise pollution, though city residents have sometimes wondered if the ordinance had ever been enforced.
Reached at his home in Los Angeles for cmment, Honker defended his actions and accused the “predominantly human” NYPD of unfairly targeting [Muppet] honkers. “Honk! Honk, honk, honk. Honk! [sic]” seethed Honker, emphatically squeezing his nose with each utterance.
In a statement released Friday, Muppet Show spokesfrog Kermit [the Frog] lashed out at the police force: “We are both shocked and furious with the NYPD’s utterly discriminatory actions, which are especially surprising in light of the publicity and lucrative tourism upswing the city enjoyed following the overwhelming success of our second feature-length film, The Muppets Take Manhattan.” Muppet Show general counsel Sam the Eagle called the slurry of fines “ridiculous. Absolute hogwash” (much to Miss Piggy’ chagrin), pointing to Section 24-221(a) of the city code, which bans a “‘claxon’ from being sounded ‘except as a sound signal of imminent danger.'” “No reasonable Muppet or human would consider Mr. Honker’s nose to constitute a ‘claxon’ as defined by the city’s statute,” Eagle explained. “It is neither an ‘electromechanical horn nor alerting device,” Eagle continued, referring to the code’s definition of claxon, “Mr. Honker’s nose is clearly outside the scope of the statute, and the NYPD damn well knows that.”
The Muppet Show plans to issue a notice within the next two weeks requesting all Muppet honkers cited by the city for honking within the past 36 months to contact its legal department for inclusion in an imminent class action lawsuit. Beaker, the Muppet Show‘s public information officer, could be reached but not comprehended for comment.