Brooklyn Sleights

Eat, drink, and be libelous.

Hulkamaniac Misdiagnosed With Bipolar Disorder (Type I) For Past 17 Years

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hulkamania

 (Hudson, NY)  25-year-old Michael Landi of Hudson has been misdiagnosed with Bipolar Disorder Type I since the age of 8, claims area psychiatrist Dr. Herb Allen. “After performing a thorough clinical assessment, I am certain that Michael is instead exhibiting symptoms of classic Hulkamania, which makes perfect sense considering my patient’s demographics and family history,” explained Allen, “He’s simply been misdiagnosed all these years.”

Brought in for an assessment at his family’s urging, Michael Allen’s first clue, he reports, was Michael’s particularly high global level of functioning. Allen attributes this to Michael’s unusually strict daily regimen of saying his prayers, drinking copious amounts of milk, and religiously taking his vitamins; practices not typically characteristic of a person experiencing rapid, unstable shifts in mood. “And Michael’s MMPI [Minnesota Multiphasic Personality Inventory] analysis showed alarmingly high scores on the ‘hypomania’ and ‘hysteria’ scales, which are consistent with textbook Hulkamania,” continued Allen. Such scores typically translate to rapid and nonsensical speech, delusions of grandeur, and claims of immortality.

Michael’s mother clearly remembers when she first started noticing his bizarre behavior: “Since the 4th grade, he was very anti-authority. We couldn’t keep him dressed; he’d rip a brand new shirt right off himself,” said Annette Landi. “He referred to himself in the third person, and called started calling everyone ‘brother.’ We thought that meant that maybe he wanted a little brother to play with, so we got him a dog. He would let the poor puppy run into his extended boot, and he’d carry on about how the cute little thing couldn’t ‘lace the Junkyard Dog’s boots,’ it was just awful.”

Michael was soon diagnosed with Bipolar Disorder Type I, and prescribed lithium to stabilize his mood swings. The medication had little effect; instead it seemed to increase Michael’s outbursts. During the 7th grade, he would regularly feud with the Iranian exchange student, one time even attempting to wrap his ’24-inch pythons’ around his ‘Iron Sheik” neck. As a result, Michael was expelled from school, an occurrence that would plague him throughout his adolescence. 

After years of ups and downs, six different schools, and an undeterminable amount of babysitters, things hit rock bottom for Landi shortly after his 24th birthday. Years of futile psychotherapy and failed attempts at medicinal treatment wore down Michael’s will, and he slipped into a debilitating depressive episode. Admitted to the Anaheim County Psychiatric Center for a last-resort bout of controversial electro-convulsive therapy, Michael grew belligerent and assaulted hospital staff. “He was extremely combative and hard to subdue; when we tried to use our stun batons on him, he started vigorously shaking his head, blowing out his cheeks and wagging his finger, then slowly rose to his feet and just let loose,” reported hospital orderly Jose Santos. “I’ve never seen anything like it; it was like he was channeling a supernatural force or something.”

Desperate, Michael’s mother turned to the Internet. After visiting a few supportive online forums and message boards for mothers with bipolar children, she came across a recommendation of Dr. Herb Allen, a local psychiatrist who specialized in rare mood disorders. Figuring she had nothing to lose, Annette lured Michael to Allen’s office under the guise of buying him a new yellow and red bandana, a staple of Michael’s wardrobe. Though initially angered after realizing the deception, Michael quickly and unexpectedly established a good rapport with Allen. After a few intensive therapy sessions, Allen had Michael weaned off of the psychotropic medication Depakote. For the first time, Michael began to speak openly about his conflicting desires of being a good American patriot, and wanting to just run wild over anyone who got in his way. 

Allen thinks such progress indicates that Michael has turned the corner in his Hulkamania treatment. “I’m confident that regular psychotherapy, coupled with a gradual reworking of Michael’s abnormal thought processes will nip his Hulkamania right in the bud once and for all” declared Allen. As part of the treatment plan, Allen also referred Michael to an area dermatologist for treatment of his greasy, orange-hued skin condition.

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Written by Matt

November 30, 2008 at 5:04 am

10 Responses

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  1. I love the Hulk, I especially love it when he is sweaty and muscular. Its kind of like when I used to climb the rope in gym class

    Worstwick

    December 1, 2008 at 6:14 pm

  2. I think this kid was faking the whole time. I don’t believe that someone could be that into Hulk Hogan, professional wrestling has nothing to do with the environment or carbon emissions or LEED certified building and architecture.

    Gestwick

    December 1, 2008 at 6:15 pm

  3. This blog doesn’t have enough bullshit comments to be legit.

    Best article yet. I think that kid played football for Guilderland. Kicked or something.

    wicklicker

    December 2, 2008 at 12:20 am

  4. Hey this is Mike again, just back here to remind everyone that I am really important and there is a lot that you all should be ashamed of. You, this website, and the whole damn internet make me sick. I remember when we all lived inside dinosaurs and there was no internet. If we wanted to communicate with our neighbors we threw a rock at them. Those were the good old days, the days before blogs and rss feeds, goddamit. Everyone should move to Jackson and become vagabond mountainmen. Screw you all.

    M. Gestwick

    December 2, 2008 at 12:10 pm

  5. This is at least the second entry that was taken from another source. Cite your work, plagiarist.

    Concerned

    December 2, 2008 at 12:31 pm

  6. Ok ok, in my continuing effort of full-disclosure, I must admit that some of this material is recycled from my earlier submissions to the Onion (yeahhh, didn’t get the job). However, not everyone who visits brooklynsleights has seen that stuff, and I want to get it all in one place, so you long-time fans are just going to have to suck it up through any syndication that may occur.

    bkmjl526

    December 2, 2008 at 12:35 pm

  7. I hate plagiarism
    I hate it so much that I plagiarized this comment that I am writing just to spite plagiarists
    Trust me, it makes sense

    Gestwick

    December 2, 2008 at 1:56 pm

  8. I am the best

    bestwick

    December 3, 2008 at 3:58 pm

  9. slllllllllllllurp

    wicklicker

    December 8, 2008 at 4:42 pm

  10. i am the worst gestwick, ever

    Mike Gestwick

    December 10, 2008 at 6:39 pm


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